When Calling Parents Isn’t Your Calling: A teacher’s guide to communicating with parents

[00:01] Announcer:

Welcome to Principal Center Radio, helping you build capacity for instructional leadership. Here's your host, Director of the Principal Center, Dr. Justin Bader. Welcome, everyone, to Principal Center Radio.

[00:13] SPEAKER_01:

I'm your host, Justin Bader, and I'm honored to welcome to the program Crystal Fromert. Crystal has over 20 years experience in education as a teacher, instructional coach, school board member, adjunct college instructor, technology coordinator, and school administrator. She writes for Edutopia, Independent School Management, NAIS's Independent School Magazine, and she is the author of When Calling Parents Isn't Your Calling, a teacher's guide to communicating with parents, which we're here to talk about today.

[00:42] Announcer:

And now, our feature presentation.

[00:44] SPEAKER_01:

Crystal, welcome to Principal Center Radio.

[00:46] SPEAKER_00:

Thank you, Justin. I'm glad to be here.

[00:48] SPEAKER_01:

Let's talk about the purpose and origin of the book. What did you see happening in the profession that illustrated the need for when calling parents isn't your calling?

[00:57] SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, thanks for asking that. So in 2020, I wrote an article for Edutopia, my very first article, and it really was because of the pandemic. I'm a math teacher and I've never really considered myself a writer, but I had a lot to say about education. I've worked as an administrator. And so during the pandemic, I was home a lot, as we all were, and I submitted an article to Edutopia and they accepted it. My very first one was on partnering with parents.

[01:23]

And I wrote about that, not because I know everything about it, because of course I don't, but it is an area that I have grown the most. When I started teaching, I was about 21, 22 years old. And frankly, I was terrified of talking to parents. I was so used to talking to 11 year olds that I wasn't really up with how to talk to someone over five feet tall. So it was really intimidating for me. And over the years, because it was such a weakness of mine and such a fear of mine, I've been collecting nuggets of advice from wonderful educators, wonderful administrators, and practicing this, even though it was something that was very scary to me.

[01:59]

And I developed what I've learned into the article. And then from the article, it turned into a book. I'm working with Road to Awesome, the publishing company, and they saw the article and saw a need for a book. And I definitely think this is a need for schools because there are many teachers who are in the same boat I was when I first started.

[02:18] SPEAKER_01:

Well, let's talk about the full range of communication options for us, because we all certainly have things that we're more comfortable with and other formats or circumstances for communication that we're less comfortable with. What's on the table here as our menu of options?

[02:34] SPEAKER_00:

I think the easiest path is to send an email because there is a distance. You don't have to face the person's reaction. You don't have to face their tone. And it's almost an asynchronous type of communication and a little bit impersonal as well because of that distance that you have through technology. I've worked with so many teachers and I'm included in that who are like, it was just easier to email. I just don't want to get into it on the phone.

[02:58]

I'm scared of calling on the phone or meeting face-to-face. It takes too much time. But if you really think about it, if you're sending paragraphs back and forth with a family, guardians or parents about their child's progress, you're losing some of that connection and you're also wasting a lot of time. And that's something I want educators to look at. How much time are you actually emailing when you really could have had less than a 10 minute phone conversation? Since I've written the book, I have noticed that the phone conversations I have with families are sometimes less than five minutes.

[03:32]

And what they want is a reassurance of, you know, this is what their child needs to work on. This is what you're going to do to help their child. This is what they're going to do at home. And really, you don't have to talk more than about five or six minutes to get through that because they're hearing my tone of voice. I'm hearing their tone of voice. They know that I care about their child through how I'm talking about their child.

[03:51]

There's so much more that I can portray than an email. I also know some teachers who are much younger than me who are texting parents. I have not gotten to that. That just seems a little bit of a stretch for me as far as technology. I'm not ready to go the route of texting. But even then, I feel like you could get a little bit distant with the tone and the true meaning of what you're trying to communicate to a family if you're doing all of this electronically.

[04:19] SPEAKER_01:

So as far as the balance between convenience and we might say richness or the ability to convey feeling and tone and intention, you feel like phone calls kind of fall in that sweet spot?

[04:30] SPEAKER_00:

Phone call is second best to face-to-face. I mean, of course, during the pandemic, it was a lot more difficult and we could do Zoom and that's okay. I think that, you know, Zoom is a nice substitute, but it's not perfect for the substitute is face-to-face. But face-to-face does take logistics. It takes finding a room to meet in. It's finding time.

[04:49]

The parents or the guardians have to find parking on campus. I mean, there's a lot. So I would say if you're looking for less than a 10 minute conversation, let's try to aim for a phone call. It's a nice substitute without dealing with all those logistics. There is an author, Todd Whitaker, who is an amazing author. He's been an inspiration to me.

[05:08]

And he wrote in his book that came out in 2001, I want to say, called Dealing with Difficult Parents. And he has a rule of thumb that if it is a difficult conversation, if it's bad news in any way, pick up the phone. Don't send an email. And I've tried to follow that rule that if it's something that, you know, because parents, they don't, no one wants to hear bad news, right? But sometimes we, as teachers, we have to deliver news that's not so stellar, not so great about their child and their child is the most important thing in their life. So you're dealing with sometimes a potentially difficult conversation that can be sensitive.

[05:45]

So just take the time to make a phone call because you're going to portray that empathy and that care that may not come through electronically.

[05:52] SPEAKER_01:

And one thing we often hear is, you know, if you do have to call a parent about something negative, try to make sure that that's not the first time you've spoken with them. Is that always possible? What if it's not? Take us into that because like we've heard that advice our whole careers, you know, make sure you have a positive first contact. But, you know, some teachers have 400 students. Some teachers have no time in the day when they can possibly make a proactive positive phone call.

[06:16]

So what are some of your thoughts and tips on that?

[06:18] SPEAKER_00:

So my rule of thumb on that is that I teach middle school and I have many sections of students. I'm not an elementary teacher where I have a class of 25. I have several dozen students. And I take the time the first week of school to write a personal email to every single family. It does take a huge chunk of my time. Usually it goes into the evening hours, but it is so worth it.

[06:43]

I'm very careful that I look up the family's honorifics. If it's doctor and doctor, Mr. and Mr., Mr. and Mrs., I'm very careful to look at that and using the correct names.

[06:55]

And if I do that legwork in the beginning, then the rest of the year when I need to reach out to them via email, then I do know the correct way to use their honorifics. And then in the actual body of the message, I send maybe three sentences. It's not that much, but something personal to the child. And you can do this in the first week of school. There's something that you know about that child within a couple of days. So I might say, It is such a pleasure to have Justin in class this year.

[07:22]

I've noticed he has a great sense of humor. He really loves to draw. I'm really looking forward to having him in algebra. I hope to see you at parent night. I mean, something very simple and very short, but something very specific to what you're seeing in Justin so far. And then the parents get the idea, okay, this was not copy pasted.

[07:39]

This is not boilerplate email. And they actually see my child, that the teacher actually sees who he is and some of his gifts. You can find something about that child. So let's say that you have an inkling that Justin is going to throw a pencil across the room later that year, or do something like that. I don't know if you were like that, but they're going to be squirrely in some way like middle schoolers are. Then I would probably write those families first so that I am for sure that the very first contact is going to be positive.

[08:10]

So let's say that a student is tardy or is forgetting their assignments or something like that. I do need to reach out to the family. So at least I have that very first contact that was positive. And then I would write back again and say, do you have some time this afternoon between two and three o'clock or whatever my schedule allows to have a conversation about what I'm observing in class with Justin or, you know, whoever it is and what number is best to call. And the reason I send an email like that is two reasons. One, I'm not sure which parent, because many families have two parents, and I'm not sure which parent usually is the parent who handles the school calls, right?

[08:47]

That's happened to me before where I got kind of an upset call from a mom because I called dad and she didn't like that. She wanted me to call her, but I didn't know how I was supposed to know that. So now I start with this email that one tells them the time that I'm available. So I'm not playing phone tag. And it puts me in the driver's seat of that conversation. And I'm also letting them know what the conversation will be about.

[09:12]

I'm a parent myself. And the anxiety that you get when you see the school number on the caller ID or you see an email from the from your child's teacher is just, for me, it is very high anxiety. And it'd be nice to at least have an idea, a warning of what we're going to talk about, right? So those are the two reasons that I send that upfront email, just for scheduling and also just helping with easing anxiety. And then we have the phone conversation and then it's over, right? It usually is less than 10 minutes to have that phone conversation.

[09:44] SPEAKER_01:

Any tips for getting over the dread of that conversation itself? Because these are always the kind of things that we feel like, well, you know, maybe I'll try them and they won't answer. And then I tried and then I didn't have to actually have the conversation, you know, we kind of half hope they don't answer. Right.

[09:58] SPEAKER_00:

Oh yeah, we're hearing that phone ring and we're like, please voicemail pick up, you know, but if you start with that email of saying, you know, I can call you between two and three and they say, how about two 30, then you're not going to have that voicemail happen. They're going to set aside time that works for them and you, and you're not going to have that phone tag playing back and forth because that I dread that even more, right? Yes. At first it's relieving, like, oh good. I don't have to have that conversation. But then it's weighing on you and you've got to have it eventually.

[10:23]

So just might as well just get it done, right? I was thinking about this the other day when I was at the dentist. So full disclosure, I have a cavity that I do need to have filled. And, you know, I was in my routine visit and the dentist says in a very kind yet honest and direct way, he says, oh, Looks like you got a cavity here. I'm gonna need you to schedule an appointment to come back in two weeks. And I was thinking at that moment, first of all, like, oh man, I don't wanna come back.

[10:49]

But the second thing I was thinking was we do this as educators. We have to deliver this information to families. That is our job. Just like the dentist's job is to tell me about the status of my teeth, that my job is to let the parents know how their child is doing. And if we could separate ourselves from being that messenger of, you know, this is not a personal thing. I'm just telling you what I'm observing and we're going to work together.

[11:13]

I'm in your child's corner. We're going to do this together. then there's a kind honesty that comes forward in that conversation that might take care of some of that dread that you mentioned, that we're going to do this to move forward and to help your child. And it is my job, even if it is bad news or uncomfortable or sensitive, that is my job to let you know.

[11:35] SPEAKER_01:

We never say, you know, in retrospect, good thing I didn't let the parent know as early as possible, right? It's always maybe unpleasant at the time, but we're always glad to have done it. I want to emphasize how just full of very practical strategies the book is. I wonder if we could talk a little bit about some specific tips you have for people who are difficult to talk to because they're, you know, the reason we dread these calls is because sometimes they are quite unpleasant and sometimes we can kind of anticipate maybe from the student's behavior or from past interactions, Which ones are going to be unpleasant and challenging? So what are some strategies in the book for those harder conversations?

[12:10] SPEAKER_00:

Well, first, I truly think that this is anecdotally, but I think that through my experience of teaching that it's about 10% of the interactions that you have with families are going to be difficult. And those 10% can take up 90% of your brain space, of course, right? Or your worry. But the other 90 most likely are going to be very pleasant. They're going to work with you and it's going to be fine. So if you put that in the frame of mind that, okay, maybe this is going to be one of 10, that's going to be a little bit difficult, right?

[12:39]

If I could go all the way to the extremes, these are also even more rare. So if you have a parent who is using threatening language with you or treating you in a way that you do not deserve, that's unprofessional manner, you do have a right as a teacher to end that conversation. And I really hope that every administrator, I would say every administrator I've worked with has supported me in something like this. But if you feel like this is an uncomfortable, unprofessional situation, end the phone call. tell them why you're going to end the phone call or leave the room if it's a face to face. But then there's right in the middle, right?

[13:15]

Those are really extreme when you've got a parent yelling or they're using threatening language. I mean, that's a whole other ballgame. But if they're pushing back at you and maybe making you feel a little bit defensive, which is something I've definitely felt before, you know, that can be uncomfortable. So have your homework done, just like we ask the kids, have your homework done. So I like to have examples of student work available. I like to have my records available.

[13:39]

So if they ask me a question, I am not thrown for a loop. I can say, ah, would you please give me a second? Let me look at that. Let me tell you how they did on this last test, something like that, if that's what they want to push back on. I remember a face-to-face conversation that I had with the dad. He was kind, but he was not going to relent.

[13:57]

And he and I were not going to see eye to eye. And it was something I really couldn't do for him anyway. He wanted his child in a different math class at a different level. And it was not something that I could do. And it was my job to tell him that that's not going to happen. Yeah.

[14:12]

And that was a very difficult conversation because it was almost like he was behaving like a lawyer. And I was a witness on the stand where he just kept questioning me and questioning me and kind of trying to wear me down a little bit. And you have to get through those conversations and they're going to be difficult. The best I could do in that situation was to have my homework done, know about the courses that he was asking about. And if you really need to reschedule the meeting and have an administrator present for the next one.

[14:40] SPEAKER_01:

One familiar situation, I think to a lot of readers will be the scenario of the parents who, you know, maybe have a working phone number, but just kind of never answer it and, you know, get a voicemail or maybe the voicemail is full. And we just feel like we cannot get through to them by phone. Any thoughts on building that relationship and getting through to families when that's proven difficult?

[15:00] SPEAKER_00:

Yeah, that is definitely a difficult situation. And I think many teachers have to face this. One thing I would say, this is not a solution necessarily to that, but it is helpful to an educator. It's not to assume. If we're having difficulty connecting with a family, we might jump to the conclusion of they don't care. Or they're just not interested in helping their child.

[15:21]

Or education is not a priority in their household. And I'm guilty of that too. But I've had other experiences that have taught me differently. Some of those where I don't know what's going on in their household. It could be that they have an ill family member. Something far more serious than what I'm seeing.

[15:37]

And maybe they don't want to tell me about that. There was one teacher who... She told me the story that she was a director of the dance team and there was a girl in the dance team that was picked up 45 minutes late every single practice. And it was an older girl.

[15:51]

She was in high school. So she had a frank conversation with the girl and she said, hey, what's going on? I noticed that you're having trouble getting a ride, you know, right after practice. Is there anything I can help you with? So she came to that with a curious, open-minded mind frame rather than being upset, which it's very easy to be upset by that. And the child revealed, you know, we have an ill family member and somebody has to be home with them all the time and we don't really like to talk about it.

[16:15]

And so the teacher did reach out to the family and said, I know that this is something you don't want to talk about, but can I help you come up with a solution? And they did. They came up with a solution for the girl to get a ride home. So maybe just come in with a little bit more curiosity. I think of like Ted Lasso. If you watch Ted Lasso, just always stay curious.

[16:34]

It's not going to solve those problems. I mean, it's just it's a reframing, but it's not going to solve the problem of the family who doesn't respond to you. Again, if it's something that is a real issue. You can always send something by old-fashioned mail if that would work. You could talk to the child if the child's older and find out, you know, is there another number I could call? Or could I meet you at carpool and talk to your mom or dad?

[16:57]

You know, there's ways that you could use the child to help you get to that parent too.

[17:00] SPEAKER_01:

Lots of good strategies in the book. You talk about parent-teacher conferences and report card comments, and as you said, email and phone. And sometimes we need to use that full gamut of strategies and channels to reach people. So definitely want to encourage people to check out the full book, When Calling Parents Isn't Your Calling, A Teacher's Guide to Communicating with Parents. And Crystal, if people want to learn more about your work or follow you online, where are some of the best places for them to go?

[17:27] SPEAKER_00:

Well, I have a website that is crystalfrommert.com and that's Frommert, F-R-O-M-M-E-R-T. I'm also on Twitter. My handle is Mrs. Frommert. There aren't many Frommerts out there, so you search it, you'll probably find me on Twitter.

[17:43]

I'm also on LinkedIn and I love to have conversations. So please reach out.

[17:47] SPEAKER_01:

Crystal, thank you so much for joining me on Principal Center Radio. It's been a pleasure.

[17:50] SPEAKER_00:

Thank you. This has been great, Justin.

[17:52] Announcer:

Thanks for listening to Principal Center Radio. For more great episodes, subscribe on our website at principalcenter.com slash radio.